I just went to check my latest goal list that I had made for 2018 in order to check my goal setting progress and I instantly felt like someone had sucker punched me. Because I remember writing my 2018 goal post with a very different type of announcement and saving it in my drafts folder, waiting for the perfect moment to announce my pregnancy.
Of course, that moment didn’t come.
I didn’t make it past 10 weeks with that baby, I had to edit that post completely, and now, just looking at it pains me. So I guess it makes a lot of sense why I haven’t really had any true sense of direction or purpose this year. If even my goals blog post hurts to look at it, it only makes sense that I wouldn’t have really pursued those goals, right?
Which leads me here–letting myself off the hook for the past six months. Which may have been aimless and a bit directionless, but that’s life. I still chugged along, I’m still here, and I started a brand-new passion project of gift boxes + a community for loss mamas, which I feel so grateful for.
But overall, I’ve just been well, existing. Kind of floating through, just for the purpose of getting through. And that’s a very new thing for me. My entire life, I’ve been an extremely driven, goal-oriented, highly-motivated person. Typically, I thrive best with a very specific goal in mind to strive for. I love the challenge and have found energy in reaching my goals.
And now, without any goals, I don’t really know what to do with myself. I am tempted to go back to my old ways, to throw some lofty goal in the air and do everything I can to pursue it and work around the clock to get that sense of accomplishment back, but deep down, I feel the call to just stop.
To wait it out.
To be patient.
I’m not going to lie to you: it’s freaking hard to wait. In fact, I hate waiting and feeling aimless and directionless. I am so antsy it almost makes me irritable. I am a woman who gets stuff done, damnit! Don’t you know that, God?
I’m willing to bet the silence I’m getting on the other end while I tantrum like a toddler is not unintentional. Perhaps a lesson for my stubborn self to learn?
So, for the first time in my life, I am stopping. I have no clear sense of goals, purpose, direction, or what my next step is. I have enough freelance work to pay the bills, which I am so grateful for, I have The Stay Strong Mom, and I have school on the horizon for my kiddos, which will be changing our life in big ways, since Ben has taken a new job that means he will be gone everyday by 6 AM–leaving me to get all 4 kiddos ready and to school 20 minutes away. Can you tell I’m dreading it already? And I also have a big decision to make in choosing 3-day half-day or full day preschool for our youngest, which I am so torn about. Three full days sounds amazing to have dedicated work time and maybe even time to workout or work on some personal stuff but then again, it’s my last year with her at home, so I don’t know what to do.
Life just moves too darn fast.
So while life is zooming by, I’m going to do my best to sit tight and await my next steps. I’m doing my best to take a deep breath, and listen prayerfully and mindfully. I have some loose goals in mind for the rest of the summer that include:
- Finishing a big freelance project for July
- Filling out a tentative book proposal in August (yay!! this would be SO exciting, but trying not to get my hopes up just yet)
- Taking a mini writing retreat next month + getting a big chunk on my novel done
- Carving out some kind of loose work schedule for back-to-school
- Changing my mindset to see our new family schedule as a positive instead of a negative for me
And that’s it for now. I wouldn’t have guessed that staying still + doing nothing could be harder than plunging in headfirst at major goals, but for me, it definitely is. Taking the time to write through it like this has helped me realize that while I have been searching so hard for answers and pushing myself to find new goals without success, the answer was there all along:
I am meant to be exactly right here. In that uncomfortable place without answers or direction or goals.
In that waiting place.
So, here I am. And wait I shall; I’ll do best darn waiting that anyone who has ever waited before will wait. Ahem. OK, so maybe old habits die hard…
Is anyone else in a season of waiting with me?