It’s been a while since I’ve been in this space, but I’m feeling the need to just, well, vent today.
Something is going on with me and I can’t even put my finger on it, but I’m basically having some kind of breakdown. I don’t know if it’s just plain old PMS or something hormonal with weaning (apparently that’s a thing??) or all the life changes that have gone on, primarily with Mya starting school and me going back to being a mom of just a toddler and a baby, which apparently I’m just not very good at, and then there’s the stress of losing a few writing jobs and we’re considering putting our house up for sale and I feel like I just hit some kind of weird wall mentally and emotionally.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I do know that I’ve cried exactly six times in the last 24 hours and my husband has started tiptoeing around me and that makes me feel really bad but also makes me want to cry again.
So yeah. A few things:
- I am really having a hard time being a good mom right now. I really didn’t realize how much of a difference it makes to have a bigger kid around to break up the day or keep an eye on the baby for a quick second so I can just pee. I tried explaining (through hysterical tears because I’m a rational adult) to Ben how stressful it is to just be “on” every second of every day and have this stress radar of “Is everything going to fall apart at any moment??!” as a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom and I found myself even more frustrated because there’s just no way to explain what that’s like. I need to find my new groove but in the meantime, I just suck. Sorry, kids.
- I am in mourning. I am. I really am. I guess I just need to give myself time to grieve moving past the first stage of motherhood, launching two kids into school, but it’s so freaking hard. I poured everything in to those first two girls and to have it all–the playdates and the daily adventures and the library trips and the simple afternoons doing nothing–just yanked way from me before I’m ready sucks. I just miss my girls, that’s all.
- I feel pretty isolated. I don’t want to complain, I really don’t, because I am super, duper grateful to be able to work at all from home successfully, but it’s also hard because I feel like I don’t have anywhere to turn to women who “get” me. I make a full-time wage and yet I also am the primary parent at home. I straddle the worlds of being a stay-at-home mom and the primary breadwinner and even though it shouldn’t bother me, it does to not really feel like I have validation for having a “real” job. This is a huge part of why I am launching my new site, Passion Meets Practicality, which I hope will help bridge that isolating gap for moms like me who work at home with little kids.
- I feel like change is on the horizon. And apparently, I’m afraid of change. I’ve felt it coming for a while and I’ve been fighting it back, so comfortable in my at-home bubble and focused on my little family, but I know it’s inevitable. I’m pretty sure we will end up selling our house, moving, and switching schools for our kids, but even just typing that makes me sick to my stomach. (And no, not pregnant, took a test this morning, just in case.) But the thought of actually doing those things exhausts me. Just thinking about it is exhausting. Putting a house up for sale, keeping it clean with kids at home, then actually moving or building a house? No, no, no.
- I feel like I’m failing everywhere. Literally, while I was typing this, I had to rearrange childcare for a work trip I have coming up in two weeks and the babysitter (who is my kids’ great-aunt) texted and said Sara was basically being a little shit. It feels like I am failing on work and mom fronts and I kind of just want to throw in the towel because they are little for such a short time and why am I killing myself to write articles on the Internet for strangers to send me hate mail?? (True story, happens every.single.day.)
- I hate my body. There, I said it. I’ve been working my ass off, I can run 8 miles no problem, I have gotten so much stronger in the gym and feel so much better emotionally, but am not seeing physical results and so I’m crossing the dangerous territory into exercising for the wrong reasons. Exercise, like anything else, can be an addiction and an obsession and I’m quickly falling down into the path of punishing my body for something it’s not doing for me, instead of celebrating what it can do.
- I am stressed about being “done or not. I keep thinking I’d love to have another baby and besides the fact that I don’t think Ben is quite ready for another baby just yet, is the fact that the MAIN thing holding me back is that I don’t want to go through the agony of the postpartum fatness and all of this hard work again. I just don’t. It makes me want to cry. I feel trapped in indecision and loathing and I hate that I am here, I really do. Why can’t I just be one of those women who loses weight after babies? Why is this my lot? Or is it all really my fault and I just eat too much? It’s super depressing to even have the thought that my weight should have any bearing on our family size and I feel like the most selfish, horrible person ever, really.
Well, that was fun. Are you super depressed yet? Sorry to drag you down with me, but like I told Ben last night, sometimes I feel like just because I happen to be good at juggling a lot of things and at the surface it looks like I’m handling a full-time income and being a stay-at-home mom and doing the laundry and writing for the New York Times and taking kids to the doctors and fitting in eight mile runs doesn’t mean that I’m doing all of that naturally, if that makes any sense. Like I actually suck at doing all this but not doing them makes me feel even worse. I feel like I did after I had Ada, on the edge of depression and keeping busy is the only thing that keeps me falling over the edge, even though that’s a fine, fine line to walk. I think it was only a matter of time before it all came to a screeching halt and apparently, I’m there.
And I wish I could take pause and a day off to figure out what to do about it, but I can’t do that either, so I’m just here and now and hanging on and hoping I make it through.
But also that pregnancy test was negative, so at least there is wine, right?