Here’s the thing.
For all my talk about getting this baby out and not being pregnant anymore and I’m so miserable and blah, blah, blah…
I’m actually scared to death.
I am scared to go through labor again.
I am scared to push what I imagine will be a ten-pound baby out of my body.
I am scared to give birth around my co-workers.
I am scared to become a mother to what seems like a foreign land to me–a son.
Seriously, I’m going to have a son?? I can barely say the word. I find myself referring to the baby as simply that–“baby” or “baby brother.” Part of me thinks that’s why we are having so much difficulty choosing a name–having a boy just seems so unreal to me.
Maybe this all horrible to admit, but it’s the truth. I love being the mother of girls. I love that we have tea parties, and they tuck in their dolls, and we can have spa days and paint our nails. I love, love all of the little girl light and laughter in our lives now. Nothing makes me happier than the sight of a stroller parked, forgotten in the corner, or one discarded sandal near the doorway. I just love the reminders of the beautiful little girls that fill my days.
Strollers parked for the night
Granted, I know I will probably shake my head at this in laughter at myself after he’s here, but I just can’t help feeling that I won’t be a good mother to a boy. I’ve had four years of practice mothering my girls, and I’m terrified I will fail at all the “boy” stuff. I don’t have race cars, or superhero attire, or even a decent wardrobe for the poor kid. His room is still decorated with pink and brown and ladybugs. My favorite thing to do is curl up on the couch with my daughters and read together–will a boy have any interest in that? I don’ t know how to handle the non-stop action of a little boy.
I’m worried he will be alone in a sea of girls–destined forever as his older sisters’ plaything, dressed up and forced to play with things he has no interest in. How will I handle football games and dating and my secret horror–little boy parts??
Every day at this point seems hard. The waiting. The wondering if today is the day. Trying to calm the fear that threatens to overwhelm me when I think of what I have to do, what my body will be going through this week. What lies ahead in life with a newborn again. The entire dynamics of my family changing again. Losing my time with just me and my girls. A whole year of breastfeeding, my time limited in increments of milking. Opening my heart again to taking on the responsibility of raising a new soul…for life.
Of welcoming…
My son.
If it helps at all – I was terrified of having a boy. I had always, always figured I’d have girls. I never imagined that I’d have a son. But – you learn. And the love a little boy has for his mother is like nothing you’ve ever experienced. It’s amazing and awesome and humbling. You don’t want to miss this – having my son Sam is one of the most incredible experiences of my entire life.
Oh, I totally felt the same way when I found out Jaxson was a boy. Saying the word son was also very strange to me…all I’ve known is girls! (See? A whole post about it: http://omommawrites.com/2010/06/17/confession-a-boy/).
In hindsight, while our fears of the “unknown” territory is totally legit I think, I truly believe God gives us that first year of babyhood where whether they are boy or girl that it is kinda gender neutral. They are just babies; babbling, sleeping, pooping and eat and we love them to pieces. As as the 1 year mark comes around when they develop into their personalities and own interests…we already love them so much, we’ve grown up with them, and want to enjoy what they enjoy.
Its been over a year and half since Jax was born, and I can tell you I enjoy him and his interests (balls, cars, trains, Elmo are his life!) just as much as I enjoy Savannah’s girly interests. I delight simply seeing him delighted with my choo-choo noises and throwing the ball to him. In fact, I have enjoyed having a boy so much (he’s such a sweet momma’s boy!) that I (we) are kinda hoping for another boy. It’s much less drama 🙂
As for the boy parts…they definitely can get you those first few months! Just make sure you keep it covered when changing and keep it pointed down in the diaper!
You’ll find yourself in love the moment you see him, I bet. You’ll do great!
These help so much. Thanks you!! I am definitely feeling more peace about it all…I think I needed some time before I was ready for birth. 🙂
After 5 years of only girls, I felt the same way, Chaunie. We had no “boy things” in the house. He didn’t even have a room to call his own! But it’s been a wonderful, crazy adventure and he’s taught my girls as much as they’ve taught him. They’re all better people because of each other. You can do this!
You’ll do great! Boys are so easy, honestly, but maybe I’m biased because I have a two year old boy! I can’t imagine what it would be like if I had a girl now, all I know is trucks and dirt, lol. Either way you will love him!
Shannon
Boys are amazing, you are going to love him! I feel your fears! When I found out I was pregnant with number 2 I couldnt stop crying thinking about how I just wanted to give all my love to my son. I guess I still have some getting used to, I’m only 11 weeks. Your going to do so great!! I just wanted to tell you that everything will be ok!!! It will be perfect. I thought to myself “what do I do with a boy?! And taking care of boy parts! Now I feel like a girl would be harder 😉 anyway!!! Best of luck to you love!! You will kick some ass;)
My friend had the same fear after being a mother of only one girl for 9 years. She’s doing great. As a mother of three bio sons and two foster sons, I was freaking out about being a girls mother (foster)…You’ll do great. Boys are amazing, it’s different, but amazing!
I understand your fears. I am 8 months pregnant now and to tell you honestly I am afraid to what will happen to me after giving birth but I know God will never leave me and he will make me feel better. I forgot all the fears I had and trust in the Lord can make you feel better.