At this very moment, my husband is in the kitchen with all three children, entertaining them with a rousing game of “Simon Says.”
He just walked in the door a few minutes ago, and after doing a baby hand-off, I escaped to my office with a homemade hazelnut mocha to do my weekly work on my book.
But hearing him in there, being all dad of the year and what not?
Makes me feel like crap.
Because the truth is, I’ve been a pretty crappy mom today.
It started at about 3 A.M., when Jacob woke up screaming, as is his new trend this week. (Loving it!) He refuses to nurse, fights me with his every fibre of his small chubby being, and I feel completely helpless to comfort him. We finally let him cry it out in his crib after 5 A.M, when he did eventually fall asleep.
When I woke up this morning, I was in insta-crabby mom mode. Do you know what I’m talking about? Everything felt overwhelming and not worth the effort. Getting dressed? A battle of wills with the baby. Cooking breakfast? Out of eggs, of course. Planning dinner? Ugh.
I’ve been cooped in this house with these kids for what feels like weeks on end. I worked last weekend at the hospital, my kids were sick, Jake’s been miserable, and I was feeling burnt out.
I tried to will myself to fight it.
But my kids could sense it.
Because they always do.
They were fighting and crabby right along with me, the girl pulling each other’s hair and screaming at each other, Jake wanting me to walk him around the house so he could admire the scene from the safety of my hip. I briefly considered braving the mall with all three of them just to shake us out of our funk, but it was snowing, and then before I knew it, it was Jake’s naptime, then lunch, then Mya’s naptime and then it was 4 o’clock.
My favorite accessory these days.
I hate when I feel like this.
I feel guilty that I’m not enjoying my time at home with them. I feel guilty that we have no money to do anything–because it’s entirely my fault for not working more. I feel stupid for blogging and writing and I feel like I have no friends. I feel like a dummy for complaining. I feel like every other mom gets dressed and cutesy and manages to get their kids out the door to fun-filled activities, while I seriously can’t fathom the thought of taking all three of them anywhere and spending money we don’t have for what I know will end in tantrums and tears and most likely, an explosive poopy diaper.
Because that’s how it always goes.
I drag through the day, alternating between feeling listless and dull and miserable with trying to play with my kids (a half-hearted pillow fight? Yes! Playing peek-a-boo with Jake while I lay on the floor? Ok!). I pretend to have it together and force myself to fold some laundry so I will feel productive. I feel selfish and awful that the sound of Ada’s constant sniffling is driving me to my last nerve. I just want to be able to put Jacob down without him screaming. I dread Ben coming home because I feel like I’m going to take out my feelings on him. It’s not his fault I can’t get it together. If I need help, I should just hire a babysitter, right?
Except I can’t. Or won’t. Or can’t. Is there a difference?
And then when Ben walks through the door, the kids are all over him, slathering him with kisses and flinging their bodies over him as if they can’t stand me for one more second as I slink away, defeated and hating myself for wanting to escape.
And yet here I am.
{{{{{Chaunie}}}}}
Oh Chaunie…I know. I really do. It’s so hard, especially when we are cooped up in the house for days on end. Believe me, I’ve had my share of mommy meltdowns and it ain’t pretty. You are NOT alone though and, also, I am so glad you do blog. Your honesty is a breath of fresh air. Just a thought – is there a MOPS group near you? I joined one last year and it’s a great support. Yesterday morning I was a mess after miserable nights with kids waking up and keeping me up all night long, but I forced myself out the door and it was just what I needed. It is so good to connect with other moms who get it. Of course, then I made the mistake of taking the kids grocery shopping at lunch time…and, well, it was down hill from there. But today? It really is a new day, another chance to start fresh. And your kids DO love you, but they know how to best push your buttons because they see you more often. You should NOT feel guilty for needing alone time. After all, your hubby just spent all day out of the house talking to ADULTS. Now it’s YOUR turn. ((hugs))
Stephanie, here’s the pathetic thing, are you ready for this? I tried MOPS and I quit because it was too hard for me to get all 3 out the door and there on time…they started at 9 AM! I am hopeless!!!
Not at all! I was in tears and yelling at my husband Friday morning about nothing and everything trying to get us all out the door on time. (Ours starts at 9 too.) I seriously had to force myself to go, because I know me too well. I did NOT want to go through the hassle of getting us all out the door on time after barely getting 5 hrs of sleep…but it was that or sit at home stewing and getting crabbier and crabbier at my kids and it wouldn’t be pretty. I struggle with seasonal affective disorder and after dealing with that on top of PPD after my second was born, I’ve learned that I HAVE to get out of the house for my own good. It’s just a balancing act. The week after Christmas? I skipped MOPS an my mom’s group at church because I was too exhausted. Seriously, don’t beat yourself up. We ALL have days like that. And it IS hard being a mom, so you DO need a break!
I think we all have days like that. I know that I have. It’s hard to be a mom – so hard. And sometimes I think it’s ok to just vent. But then you have to pick yourself up and do the best YOU can and not worry about what you “think” you should do. As long as your kids are happy and healthy (other than the sniffles), you are doing a GREAT job!
We all most certainly do have days like that! So don’t beat yourself up! All of this hard work, lack of money, and doubt will soon be a distant memory when you get your break. So hang in there! Have you read, Seth Godin’s The Dip? I’ve heard a lot of other bloggers/marketers talk about the Dip…The low point that really tests you and gets hard before you get out of it. I haven’t read it, but it’s on my list to read…I’ve read a few of his books and they are good.
Don’t feel bad for taking time out for yourself! Remember, if the momma ain’t happy…then nobody’s happy! You are setting a good example for your kids by allowing yourself time to devote to your passion.
We ALL have those days. My latest was Thursday, feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated and pointless in the constant picking up, cleaning dishes, feeding, wiping, diapering, etc. Thankfully things generally feel better the next day! Hang in there and when you feel like that, remember you are NOT alone, we all have those days, plenty of them! 🙂
God, I’ve been there, more than I’d like to admit! Thank you for being so honest.