On Monday evening, while sitting in the doctor’s office with Mya, I listened to a voicemail on my phone. It was from my manager at the hospital. And it went a little something like this:
“Chaunie, we need to have a conversation about some things that have happened the last couple of weeks. Give me a call back…”
Awesome. Just what any (new) employee wants to hear. That she needs to have a conversation with her boss.
Frantic with worry, I called her right back, but of course, she had already left for the day.
So I was left to sweat it out all night and, as it turned out, the entire next day, when I couldn’t get a hold of her to save my life.
I don’t do well with that kind of stress. It was terrible. My head spun with visions of what I could have possibly done wrong, what enormous medication errors I could have made, what patients I may or may not have killed.
When I finally connected with her, I found out that….well, it wasn’t good. Apparently some staff members felt I needed more experience with deliveries. “No one is upset, no one is ‘telling’ on you,” she stressed. “But, we just need to get you some more time in the delivery room….and to do that, you just need to work more.”
Basically, it came down to this decree:
Work more or quit.[Gulp.]
I have to be honest with you–my first reaction was almost a kind of relief. Like the decision had been made for me. I have been struggling, as most of you know, with working as a nurse. But the way this situation was presented, it seems like a no-brainer. Because, when it comes right down to it, I just don’t feel capable, or even willing, to work full-time nights with my girls and a newborn. Period. I don’t do well on nights, and that affects everything–my health, how I treat my girls, my relationship with my husband.
But on the other hand, how can I possible accept failure?? How can I admit that I couldn’t do this job? How can I look my co-workers in the eye, short-staffed as they are, and walk away?
Either way, it feels terrible. And then, of course,there’s that little thing called money. What in the heck will I do without a job?
She gave me until today to decide.
Um, help please?? What should I do??