I grope for him in the darkness, my fingers fumbling for the path I have traveled so many nights.
Silently, I count the steps to guide my way. I follow down each chubby thigh and feel….yes, there it is.
I hold one side in place and press the cold steel circle to the other, willing the buttons to give me their reassuring click.
I make my way up each leg by touch, hoping that when I reach the top, I will have successfully completed my duty.
Except I don’t.
I reach the top, only to have one button left, a gaping hole in cozy fabric, revealing soft baby flesh exposed to the cold, bitter night.
Cursing, I search intently for the missing button. It appears, as if by some dark magic, to be completely gone.
Is there even another button? I wonder, my brain valiantly making an effort to conjure up an image of this particular onsie in the light of day.
Finally, I find it. This one is even more tricky than usual, requiring both pant legs to be buttoned up completely first, then and only then, revealing a hidden inner button underneath the top fabric that requires fastening first, before I can finish buttoning the top.
It is 4:21 A.M. and I have just spent 15 minutes attempting to button my son’s onsie. On top of that, it is pretty much a guarantee that after I successfully button him up into the god-forksaken contraption and feed him for the 40 minutes he demands, he will then completely blow out his diaper with poop and require me to start the process completely over.
I would just like to know one thing.
Do the makers of these buttoning onsies ever try to button the darn things up? And if so, are they capable of doing it at 4 A.M. in complete and total darkness?
I’m thinking that should be a requirement.