I’ve always been a person who loves change.
It’s one of the reasons, I think, that I’ve loved writing so much, because it gives me the opportunity to always explore new topics, new publications, new ideas, and new work.
But lately, I’ve been struggling with the change my soul seems to crave, with the reality that for the first time in my life, I’m getting older. My husband and I are both at the point in our lives when we want to just stop, look around and say, “What do we want? Is this the life that we want to live? Will we look back someday and say we had no regrets?”
It’s hard, especially right now, when we feel like we are largely living a reactionary life, reacting to adjusting after each baby, each career change, each stage that never really seems to slow down.
We both want something more out of life. A life that we feel proud of. We dream of land and a simple lifestyle; kids playing outside, eggs fresh from our chickens (OK, so that’s just me, Ben says he hates chickens), a life blending old and new, natural and modern, a life that isn’t about surviving, but about deep-soul thriving.
In a way, it seems like too much to ask for. With violence all around us, earthquakes, injustices and hurts–there is so much to work for as a nation, as a human people.
And yet, I know, that my yearning for a lifestyle that will stir my soul and still in my heart is more than a longing for more stuff. It’s a calling to give my family, and myself, a safe haven in a world that might never seem safe.
I struggle so much with feeling like I need to just learn to be content. I look around, at our house that seems too small for us sometimes, at the pictures that adorn our walls, at the couches that keep us cozy, and I feel so, so content. I don’t want to uproot anything in our lives, I don’t want to change a single thing. I am like a small, stubborn child, digging in my heels.
So what is the answer? Do I learn to accept being content? Do I finally say, this, this is enough?
Or do we keep moving forward, always looking for something that maybe we can never even have?
I needed to read this today! Last night I prayed for guidance and this post appeared in my inbox. I’ve been struggling with the same thoughts and feelings lately. I too have been asking myself some hard questions: What do I want? Is this the life that I want to live? Will I look back someday and say I had no regrets? At the rate I’m going, I can’t honestly say I’ll be happy 5 years down the road.
Yes, I have an amazing career. As a young mom who graduated college in less than 4 years (with high honors), was recognized as one of 9 PR interns across the country destined for success and has received two promotions at one of Michigan’s leading integrated PR firms (all under the age of 25), I’m proving that being a young mom doesn’t limit or define you and I’m excelling at a faster rate than most. But, you know what…I’m not happy. We live in a status-obsessed society where job titles and roles hold more value than they should. The greatest contribution I have for society is the impression I’m leaving on my daughter. And if I buy into the kool-aid society wants everyone to sip and the idea that working more to make more money and provide is the way to live…I’m missing out on the true meaning of life and the most precious moments of my daughter’s life. I want the best of both worlds. I want a fulfilling career, yet a simple life that enables me to be there for my family…and I’m torn. I’m too afraid to make a decision and change the course because I’m afraid to fail, afraid to make the wrong decision. Here’s to walking by faith and not by sight.
I love this so, so much. Exactly how I feel!
I teared up reading this because it is something I struggle with. The surviving vs. thriving…I want to be ok if nothing were to change and yet deep within I long for more, not more stuff just more out of this beautiful yet sometimes so painful life. Yet at the same time the idea of reaching for more scares me because what if I mess things up, what if I fail? But then there’s a part of me that believes there’s a reason for the ache and longing I feel in my heart. It forces me to seek and depend on my Savior (something I’m not always the best at when things are less complicated) but it also keeps me reaching toward whatever it is that’s next for me (I just hope to grab ahold of it soon). So many dreams are birthed out of what we see as our lack of content but maybe it isn’t that we aren’t not content…maybe this feeling is what helps us to muster up enough courage and faith to move on to what is next even at the risk that it may not turn out the way we thought it would. Thank you for this girlfriend.
As far as I’m concerned, we all ask ourselves the same questions. Alas no one can answer them because there is no right and wrong answer for such questions. We can never be wrong if we decide to move on and we can never be wrong if we stop for a while to enjoy the satisfaction of what we’ve already achieved either. Just listen to your heart, Chaunie – it would never mislead you. Wish you all the best!