As any of you who have known me from this timeish last year may know, I wasn’t exactly thrilled when I had another unplanned pregnancy.
We were preparing for our first-ever vacation alone, sans kids, to an all-inclusive resort in Mexico (read: alcohol), completely paid for by my in-laws (read: amazing), and I couldn’t have been more excited. I was enjoying, for the first time in my life, being pregnant-free and breastfeeding-free, feeling good about my career and enjoying a little bit of freedom as our kids reached those magical ages of being able to sleep through the night.
I distinctly remember going to a friend’s house who had just had a baby and holding him, announcing, “Gosh, it feels so good to hold this baby–and then give him back.” I had absolutely zero desire for another baby at that point.
And then, of course, I got pregnant.
I spent most of my first trimester feeling horribly sick and wallowing in self-pity. Mexico was miserable, as much as I hate to admit that and I felt almost embarrassed to have another pregnancy catch me by surprise. I was no where near excited about having another baby and almost dreaded starting over again.
Now that Sara is here, almost every time I look at her, I feel a twinge of guilt. I love her so much it hurts and in some way, I realized the other day that my love for her almost feels a little differently than my love for my other kids. It’s not different in the amount I love her, of course, but it’s colored through a lens of intense gratitude.
Gratitude that she is here when I felt like I wasn’t ready for a baby.
Gratitude that despite my horrific attitude, she is healthy.
Gratitude that once again, I have a daughter when I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant–a daughter that is such an incredible gift I say a prayer of thanks every day.
Gratitude that in a time of life that is a bit stressful on us right now, especially in our marriage, I have such a source of love that lights up my entire world with just one smile.
Sara is such a joy to all of us. She is an incredibly sweet baby and I just can’t help but think, when I look at her, how I could have doubted that she would be anything but more love in our lives. I guess I just feel humbled and thankful for her, like despite my own miserable selfishness, I still get to have her in my life. I am so, so lucky.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but there’s something about having a baby when she wasn’t “planned” that makes her feel even more like a gift that I didn’t know I needed.