I’ve always been a person who loves change.
It’s one of the reasons, I think, that I’ve loved writing so much, because it gives me the opportunity to always explore new topics, new publications, new ideas, and new work.
But lately, I’ve been struggling with the change my soul seems to crave, with the reality that for the first time in my life, I’m getting older. My husband and I are both at the point in our lives when we want to just stop, look around and say, “What do we want? Is this the life that we want to live? Will we look back someday and say we had no regrets?”
It’s hard, especially right now, when we feel like we are largely living a reactionary life, reacting to adjusting after each baby, each career change, each stage that never really seems to slow down.
We both want something more out of life. A life that we feel proud of. We dream of land and a simple lifestyle; kids playing outside, eggs fresh from our chickens (OK, so that’s just me, Ben says he hates chickens), a life blending old and new, natural and modern, a life that isn’t about surviving, but about deep-soul thriving.
In a way, it seems like too much to ask for. With violence all around us, earthquakes, injustices and hurts–there is so much to work for as a nation, as a human people.
And yet, I know, that my yearning for a lifestyle that will stir my soul and still in my heart is more than a longing for more stuff. It’s a calling to give my family, and myself, a safe haven in a world that might never seem safe.
I struggle so much with feeling like I need to just learn to be content. I look around, at our house that seems too small for us sometimes, at the pictures that adorn our walls, at the couches that keep us cozy, and I feel so, so content. I don’t want to uproot anything in our lives, I don’t want to change a single thing. I am like a small, stubborn child, digging in my heels.
So what is the answer? Do I learn to accept being content? Do I finally say, this, this is enough?
Or do we keep moving forward, always looking for something that maybe we can never even have?